The Need Satisfying Dad

To paraphrase from Dr. Glasser, all behavior is our best attempt (at the time) to fulfill our needs. We will attempt to fulfill those needs by trying to achieve one or more of the "pictures" in our "Quality World". Most human misery is a result of either not being able to achieve the pictures in our Quality World, or worse, achieving the picture only to find it wasn't as need satisfying as we had hoped. If either of these continues for very long, it would make sense that the picture in our Quality World will actually leave our Quality World. But you can't just delete the picture, you have to replace it.

This is why Mick Jagger is the great lyricist and psychologist when he sings "You can't always get what you want" (this is the picture in your Quality World), "but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need." (these are the Five Basic Genetic Needs). Mick was really on to something here! I wonder if he's ever read the works of Dr. Glasser?

The Five Genetic Needs, quite simply are:

• Love / Belonging
  
• Power / Significance
• Freedom / Choices
• Fun / Learning
• Survival (food, shelter, etc.)

We all have these needs, and we WILL fulfill them in some way or another. However, we may not be satisfied with the long term results of our behaviors. Sometimes we fulfill one need at the expense of another (fulfilling my need for power may derail my ability to fulfill my need for love). For example, when I attempt to control my children to do what I want them to do by yelling at them, threatening to punish, etc., I may temporarily fulfill my need for power. But it hurts my relationship with my kids and alienates them from me a little bit more each time I do that behavior. In the long run this will not fulfill my need for love / belonging, and even ultimately my need for power / significance. Because if I keep that punishing / threatening behavior up, I will alienate my children to the point where I have no more power / significance in their lives.

I know this to be true since I've seen it in operation in my life in two different ways: my dad did it to me, and I've found that I sometimes do it to my children. I don't like that self-revelation, but its better to hurt now and make the necessary changes for a better future, than it is to ignore... I've seen the consequences of that.

My father alienated me with his angering and threatening, all in an attempt to control me. It got to the point that I finally ran away from home as a young teen (14) and I would have never gone back. In fact, I lived on the streets for almost 2 years. That's a story for another blog (or two or three).

Bottom line: dad's behaviors didn't get him what he wanted for the long-term because in the end he was not someone in my Quality World, whom I viewed as a need satisfying dad. Instead, only out of a sense of tradition and connection to my "roots" did I continue to barely keep a relationship with him alive. That's sad to me, because the picture in my Quality World was one that had a dad with whom I enjoyed spending time. Those good "quality" days came and went when I was a young boy.

Today, I hope I can learn from those lessons. I need to be a person whom my children think of as need satisfying. I need to be someone who helps them fulfill their basic genetic needs. The more activities we can do together, which meet one or more of our basic needs, the better it will be. Thanks to the words of Mick Jagger, and the research and life work of Dr. William Glasser, MD... I have a chance to be a need satisfying dad.

To my dad: I wish you and I could have had discussions about these things when you were here dad.